“You have to give yourself permission to heal,” is what my therapist said to me two sessions ago as we were talking about how I have been doing about the heart-wrenching decision that Tony and I had to make earlier this year. I never really thought about “needing” to give myself permission to heal. However, since we had that session I’ve thought a lot about it.
Right after the finality of our decision we had crisis after crisis after crisis (and to be honest there are still things going on with Caleb medically that still have us very on edge, but we keep fighting), that there wasn’t time to wallow in our decision. Also, having to make sure the boys were taken care of, meals were made for the family, laundry was done, appointments were gotten to, and medications were given were the only things that kept me from burying myself in a hole and not coming out.
As I’ve talked through everything that has happened over the last two years with my therapist these last 10 months, she has helped me immensely to rest firmly in my faith, trust in the fact that we (Tony and I) had done everything humanly possible that was made available to us (and then some!), and to remember the reasons we ultimately had to make our decisions.
The holidays have brought some difficult times, but I have survived and took some time to grieve and then returned to the present.
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