Being a special needs family, finding a church family is hard! When we moved to Wichita we were part of a church for a couple of years until Caleb’s behaviors came to the point that he needed extra help during Sunday school time. We asked for help from the children’s director and was basically told that either Tony or I would have to be in with Caleb to help him if we wanted help for him. This was our indication that it was time to start looking elsewhere.
I started e-mailing other churches in the area and telling them our story. I received an e-mail from one church basically telling me the same thing. I then got an e-mail from another church telling me that they would gladly help us and provide a para for Caleb in Sunday school. We started attending this church, after a period of times became members, became involved in a small group, and eventually leading small groups.
Our church went through two splits to start new campuses. For the second split, we were part of the core team for the new campus and part of the leadership team.
During the time at our church, we went through multiple psychiatric and other hospitalizations with the kids. We were supported by members of our home teams for the most part, but leadership, it felt like it was hit or miss.
Then came the most difficult time in our life. We had a two losses very close to each other — one of which rocked our world. After a very long fight, we felt like we were losing a part of ourselves. We felt like failures as parents. There is a lot more to this story that I am just not ready to share on this public blog yet, but I might at some point in the future. Or it might just be shared in a book that I feel like I need to write. Who knows!
Tony and I talked to our Pastor and we all decided that it was necessary to take a break from our leadership roles so that we could have time to focus on our healing from what we had just been through. Because for the previous 18 months we had not shared what was going on with anyone on the leadership team other than our pastor and our home team, he wanted us to share with the leadership what had happened and why we were stepping down from our leadership positions. That meeting happened in August. I went by myself because we didn’t have anybody to watch Caleb, so Tony stayed home with the boys, so they didn’t have to sit in the meeting and listen to us explain what happened and bring up the memories once again.
As I began to share I could not keep the tears away from the beginning. It was hard for me to even put words together. There was hardly a dry eye in the room. Our pastor had everyone come up and pray for me and our family. There were lots of hugs. One person even told me after to not leave without giving them my phone number, to which I provided to her.
However, after I walked out of that meeting, we have not heard from a single person in that meeting, other than the pastor maybe a couple times on Facebook, to check on us. Now, we have run in to people out and about in the community and they will ask how we are doing, but that’s the extent of it. I am writing this post in July 2016. The meeting took place 23 months ago in August of 2014. We have not attended a service in that church since that meeting took place. That church was our family! We have no immediate family in the area and we considered our church family our family. We feel like we were abandoned by family! It has made it very difficult for us to even think about trying to find a new church. I am very thankful for the very few individuals that we have met through that church, that are truly family to us and check on us regularly and we know we can count on! (I hope you know who you are!!! Love you all bunches!!!!)
Boy can I relate. I am so sorry for the pain your family has experienced, both the bits you share, and the events too painful yet to voice. It makes one feel ‘replaceable,’ as if the work prior and the bonds seemingly created meant nothing. I hope that this being a year after your penning this, has brought a bit more healing, especially not further ache.
I too was heavily involved in my church. After ten years, developing my own happy ministry that filled a much-needed niche, and even doing the church’s books, I have been left on the side of their road, while they pummel ahead. I never imagined that THIS family would abandon me, I felt our ‘choosing each other’ was more certain, at least more than that of my natural family, whom I also gave up believing in a future with.
It was seemingly caused by my attempts to get help, to find answers and hope to my destructive marriage. This church had known me years prior to my marriage, and I felt certain I could count on them.. that they would perhaps even notice themselves. Whether it was my husband’s doing or not, I am not certain. I was called delusional, that I was making up (and this having only told them tiny bits.. tiny “I feel like something is wrong here” pieces) what was happening, and ultimately that I needed to go work on my and my marriage’s ‘issues.’
It left me in a state of having no choice but to believe that it must be the door the Lord was closing for me, that I wouldn’t have been able to close myself (I had wanted deeper growth anyway, and those sorts of teachings were few and far between). This I thought, must be the time I am to draw tightly to Jesus, and realize that HE was the one that I needed to lean on.
I struggled to get there.. still being in the mind-blowing madness ensuing around my kids and I (We had five total, two ours together). I attempted to go to my local women’s DV shelter, WITH my children. I failed. I went there alone, believing it still necessary. I believed (and still do) this man was truly trying to destroy me (he had told me among many things, that he intended on breaking me), and if I didn’t escape quickly (and especially now as I had been ‘caught’), I may not make it out at all. I was certain that following Monday I could sort out what had happened with taking my children, and they would be safe in my arms that Monday evening.
It is now a year and a half later. My previous abuser (as I now realize ‘abuse’ has been the backbone of my life from birth on), having been incarcerated most of my two eldest’s lives, took custody of them. My younger two are being held by my husband, his live-in gf (also his workplace’s secretary) and her children and dogs, and are not-so-slowly being ripped of the memories and love of their mama.
I had gone to a second church after leaving. After 6 months of doing Bible study at one of the family’s homes, I decided to take the plunge. On that first Sunday I went, my husband also did. He said it ‘was God.’ He pulled me to and fro until late December, when I realized that over a weekend he and the kids stayed with me, I had been drugged, and for the proceeding 2-3 weeks after. On Christmas Eve, I told him I couldn’t come over (to our other home). Two months later the gf moved in and they are on a warpath to ‘destroy’ me (such a heavy, dramatic word. I myself don’t appreciate using it, but I firmly believe it to be the truth). Before Christmas he had already taken this 2nd church ‘under his wing (or vice versa),’ and I was never pursued. I had been sharing what I was recovering from, and they witnessed my fear that first Sunday.
Church 3 I took bits and pieces. At this point, weary and leery of any ‘new family’ attempts. The pastor kindly emailed me after a few Sundays of not going. I poured out a bit of my story (similar to here although perhaps more emotion/detail?). He responded at one point, asking if he could just pass my story/email along to the women’s ‘group/team,’ and I said, ‘Sure.’ I haven’t heard from a one and I think it has to be two months passed by now.
It is EXTREMELY difficult to not wonder if there really IS something terribly wrong with me.. that no one will tell me. I never made enemies, aside from the occasional ‘guy’ when younger, whom found it not okay for me to say ‘no’ too.
Upon our third child’s birth, I abandoned my accounting career (not CPA) and became a SAHM. For what, six years? Today I send resume after resume out, and my Dr. tells me to apply for temp disability. I get sucked into trying to instead find quick labor, cleaning, errand jobs to get gas in my car, cigarettes and food in my mouth, and energy to keep going to my kids’ schools to see them. I am desperate and frightened for what may be happening to my children. I live in the Sandusky area. If I am truly not delusional, then excessively weird things have and continue to happen. Those kind of things that I’d always considered ‘just on TV.’ Which causes me to circle back to, ‘is it me?’ Why did my church family never ask ME? Is it really about that? Is there something deeper and more sinister than I know? Am I crazy for considering this? Why am I certain that husb comes into my/our home, does ‘things,’ and yet I am charged with crimes when I attempt to drop medicine off for my sick babies? Where has all the money come from, and when will I be able to get some of any avenue of any of it, so that my utilites aren’t shut off this week? If God wanted me to battle here, wouldn’t he provide a way, or an atty, or money to survive? Where is the family I thought I finally had??
I suppose we each have our own experiences. Hopefully we can all somehow find a way to take our broken hearts to the Lord (well, pretty certain you did.. I am struggling there), and then use those exact experiences to help heal others.. and BE that unconditional family.. THAT always pursues each other, and is always there to lean on.
I wish the four (?) of you complete restoration in the name of our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ. And if not through brothers and sisters, that you at least have confidence in His direct love, pursuit, and faithfulness.. and I pray that for myself and our others as well.